My first experience with drugs was with marijuana. I was so fascinated
with its influence that in the following five years it became my
main preoccupation. I had a feeling as if it opened doors to new
experiences and insights for me. Now, when I look back at this period
I can say that those were my first spiritual experiences. At the
time I did not know what was happening to me, what were these states
of mind I was experiencing. They fascinated me because all of a
sudden I began to see the world with different eyes. As if entering
a space, in which I felt completely free from myself and others,
a space in which I could experience the whole beauty of this world.
I was delighted by these feelings and I wanted to experience them
continually. But, unfortunately they lasted only as long as the
drug lasted, then only a memory remained. Wanting to prolong this
I started taking more drugs and I started taking them more frequently.
Living in such way for several years I began to notice the change
in me, things which I could not understand at that time. I started
forgetting things, as if I had black holes in my head, in the mornings
I could no longer recall where I was and what I did the previous
night. I felt disturbed and more and more separated from my body.
Sometimes I was not certain if for example the moment I was speaking
something or making some kind of face or whether this only a figment
of my imagination. The feeling of separation between myself and
the life I was living then, was beginning to grow greater and greater.
I had a feeling that I was living in an imaginary world, a world
in which I could create everything but, unfortunately, I never succeeded
in manifesting these ideas, creating them on the material level,
because I was getting more and more lethargic, less inclined to
After some time those wonderful states of mind that I was experiencing
became much rarer and the paranoid states of mind were becoming
more present and more frequent.
I felt more and more incapable of being able to function normally.
I wondered what was happening to me and why did I always feel as
if I was outside of my body and as if I had no control over it,
I felt that I was not conscious of what I was doing. It is interesting
that these experiences that I had with marijuana were the same or
sometimes even stronger than those I had on LSD. I felt as if I
was flipping out, that is why, in this state of mind, I feared talking
to somebody about what was happening to me.
This feeling of being separated from myself and from my body and
the fear I was experiencing from this were blocking my sexual development.
Every touch was strange and was frightening to me because I could
not sense it, that is why the idea of having sexual intercourse
was repellent and was causing fear in me. Because of all that what
was happening in me I began asking myself if the drugs were the
reason for this disturbed, strange condition I'm in and that maybe
I should stop consuming them for a while or even stop consuming
them at all. Nevertheless, I could not make that decision because
that idea seemed to make little sense to me.
Today, when I think about the reasons that made me consume alcohol,
drugs... I would say that the main reason was the way my parents
were living with each other (they, at that time, were preoccupied
with many problems between themselves and because of that were not
able to dedicate enough attention to me and to my brother). I assume
that taking drugs was a kind of a protest and an attempt to gain
their attention, but also escapism - to forget about all the worries
which were bothering at that time.
For these reasons this was maybe the hardest period of my life,
for the first time I started visiting Komaja's courses. I started
meditating and working on myself spiritually. That led me to ask
myself: "What am I addicted to?" I wanted to see the essence
of my addiction. I've realised that I am not addicted to drugs,
but addicted to the state of love, joy, freedom which the drugs
were awakening in me. After a while I saw that the same states of
mind I can reach with the help of Komaja meditation, but I also
saw that there is a great difference in the quality of the states
of mind reached with drugs and those reached through meditation,
and that the difference is both in quality and in duration. The
state of mind reached through drugs lasts as long as the influence
of the drug lasts, while the state of mind reached through meditation
and through working on myself becomes a part of me and of my life
and there are no negative consequences that are disturbing my psycho-physical
health, on the contrary.
I have never said "no" to the drugs, but meditating and
working on my spiritual practise, I came to such states of mind,
insights, knowledge that I had a feeling that if I took drugs now
I would disturb those states of mind and those processes that are
in me (the feeling of a different life is being born and is developing
Although I have never said "no", five years have passed
since I smoked the last joint. The idea of taking something from
outside, some kind of stimulant so that I can bring my body and
my soul in some special state, was starting to seem as nonsense.
I don't want to be dependent on an artificial stimulant (shtaka)
(which will occupy one of my hands and will take away from me the
opportunity to use both my hands at same time) and of which I will
be bound to worry about that it is always near me. I want to be
free, to have complete freedom of movement, I always want to be
able to experience in myself those feelings of freedom, elation,
love, creation. If I have had an experience of this, then it means
I am having it in me, I only need to make more effort (to train)
until I develop it in such measure that it becomes a constant part
On Komaja's courses I got answers to many questions and doubts,
I have gained a greater knowledge about life in general as well
as techniques on how to improve my life and how to develop myself
as a free and happy individual.
Something I would like especially to point out as a very important
aspect of the Love-Erotic Therapy is the going through the sexual
aspect of life, which was of a great importance for me. Exactly
the acceptance of the sexuality as something normal and as something
that can be transformed and used for spiritual development helped
me to free myself of many frustrations and complexes.
When I compare my life before and this life now, I have a feeling
that those are two different lives. I see now how much I have changed
and how much the quality of my life has changed so that I sometimes
wonder how can it be that so many thing change in so little time.
I can only say that through the Love-Erotic Therapy I've got something
precious for my life.
Something I am not certain how long it would have taken me to accomplish
on my own, if I would have been able to at all.