My first experience with drugs was with marijuana. I was so fascinated with its influence that in the following five years it became my main preoccupation. I had a feeling as if it opened doors to new experiences and insights for me. Now, when I look back at this period I can say that those were my first spiritual experiences. At the time I did not know what was happening to me, what were these states of mind I was experiencing. They fascinated me because all of a sudden I began to see the world with different eyes. As if entering a space, in which I felt completely free from myself and others, a space in which I could experience the whole beauty of this world.
I was delighted by these feelings and I wanted to experience them continually. But, unfortunately they lasted only as long as the drug lasted, then only a memory remained. Wanting to prolong this I started taking more drugs and I started taking them more frequently. Living in such way for several years I began to notice the change in me, things which I could not understand at that time. I started forgetting things, as if I had black holes in my head, in the mornings I could no longer recall where I was and what I did the previous night. I felt disturbed and more and more separated from my body. Sometimes I was not certain if for example the moment I was speaking something or making some kind of face or whether this only a figment of my imagination. The feeling of separation between myself and the life I was living then, was beginning to grow greater and greater. I had a feeling that I was living in an imaginary world, a world in which I could create everything but, unfortunately, I never succeeded in manifesting these ideas, creating them on the material level, because I was getting more and more lethargic, less inclined to do anything.
After some time those wonderful states of mind that I was experiencing became much rarer and the paranoid states of mind were becoming more present and more frequent.
I felt more and more incapable of being able to function normally. I wondered what was happening to me and why did I always feel as if I was outside of my body and as if I had no control over it, I felt that I was not conscious of what I was doing. It is interesting that these experiences that I had with marijuana were the same or sometimes even stronger than those I had on LSD. I felt as if I was flipping out, that is why, in this state of mind, I feared talking to somebody about what was happening to me.
This feeling of being separated from myself and from my body and the fear I was experiencing from this were blocking my sexual development. Every touch was strange and was frightening to me because I could not sense it, that is why the idea of having sexual intercourse was repellent and was causing fear in me. Because of all that what was happening in me I began asking myself if the drugs were the reason for this disturbed, strange condition I'm in and that maybe I should stop consuming them for a while or even stop consuming them at all. Nevertheless, I could not make that decision because that idea seemed to make little sense to me.
Today, when I think about the reasons that made me consume alcohol, drugs... I would say that the main reason was the way my parents were living with each other (they, at that time, were preoccupied with many problems between themselves and because of that were not able to dedicate enough attention to me and to my brother). I assume that taking drugs was a kind of a protest and an attempt to gain their attention, but also escapism - to forget about all the worries which were bothering at that time.
For these reasons this was maybe the hardest period of my life, for the first time I started visiting Komaja's courses. I started meditating and working on myself spiritually. That led me to ask myself: "What am I addicted to?" I wanted to see the essence of my addiction. I've realised that I am not addicted to drugs, but addicted to the state of love, joy, freedom which the drugs were awakening in me. After a while I saw that the same states of mind I can reach with the help of Komaja meditation, but I also saw that there is a great difference in the quality of the states of mind reached with drugs and those reached through meditation, and that the difference is both in quality and in duration. The state of mind reached through drugs lasts as long as the influence of the drug lasts, while the state of mind reached through meditation and through working on myself becomes a part of me and of my life and there are no negative consequences that are disturbing my psycho-physical health, on the contrary.
I have never said "no" to the drugs, but meditating and working on my spiritual practise, I came to such states of mind, insights, knowledge that I had a feeling that if I took drugs now I would disturb those states of mind and those processes that are in me (the feeling of a different life is being born and is developing in me).
Although I have never said "no", five years have passed since I smoked the last joint. The idea of taking something from outside, some kind of stimulant so that I can bring my body and my soul in some special state, was starting to seem as nonsense. I don't want to be dependent on an artificial stimulant (shtaka) (which will occupy one of my hands and will take away from me the opportunity to use both my hands at same time) and of which I will be bound to worry about that it is always near me. I want to be free, to have complete freedom of movement, I always want to be able to experience in myself those feelings of freedom, elation, love, creation. If I have had an experience of this, then it means I am having it in me, I only need to make more effort (to train) until I develop it in such measure that it becomes a constant part of me.
On Komaja's courses I got answers to many questions and doubts, I have gained a greater knowledge about life in general as well as techniques on how to improve my life and how to develop myself as a free and happy individual.
Something I would like especially to point out as a very important aspect of the Love-Erotic Therapy is the going through the sexual aspect of life, which was of a great importance for me. Exactly the acceptance of the sexuality as something normal and as something that can be transformed and used for spiritual development helped me to free myself of many frustrations and complexes.
When I compare my life before and this life now, I have a feeling that those are two different lives. I see now how much I have changed and how much the quality of my life has changed so that I sometimes wonder how can it be that so many thing change in so little time.
I can only say that through the Love-Erotic Therapy I've got something precious for my life.
Something I am not certain how long it would have taken me to accomplish on my own, if I would have been able to at all.