My name is Gordana Gordanovska. I am 24 years old and I am a student in the final year of psychology studies. I would briefly like to tell what my life looked like five years ago. I was sleeping a lot - it seemed to me that the world I was experiencing in my dreams while I was sleeping, was far more comfortable from the one I experienced with opened eyes. Seldom I felt joyful, happy. It would be more true if I said that I was very discontent, unhappy and a very nervous person. Because most of the time I was frowning, my parents used to call me "black Saturday" (partially as a joke so that they can ease the pain that such my behaviour was causing them). I felt I could make great things in life, but I didn't have the conditions for it. I felt that my parents are not happy together, but anyway they stayed together and suffered. I was longing for true love but I couldn't find it. I was meeting many people that often told how one should live, but they themselves were living something else. I was feeling pain because I could notice that (also from my own experience) that we the people are unsure in ourselves, and in the world we are drifting apart from each other, running towards our own interests very often hurting each other. I was rebelling in myself against such a cold and Machiavellian lifestyle
My first experience with drugs was with marijuana. Out of curiosity - of course. The first time I smoked it because I was feeling curious about searching for the states of mind that it was causing in me. It made me laugh, it created in me a feeling of being separated from my body, I was entering some kind of state of calmness, the consciousness was changing, the perception was growing bigger and I was entering areas that were unknown to me. But, the search grew into pleasure. I had noticed that I am happier being "high" than being "sober". Smoking joints for me became a lifestyle - something that was a part of my everyday life, something that was normal and natural. I smoked marijuana for a three years. In the circles I was going out with, all kinds of drugs were available: hashish, heroin, LSD, ecstasy... In those three years besides the marijuana, I had experiences also with ecstasy - for which I used to say that it is "my kind of drug" because it was bringing me into states of bliss, I was filled with energy and I loved everyone I met! I was exalted. Those were the positive experiences, but what was bothering me were the many sleepless nights (when you take ecstasy or LSD you just could not sleep for day or two), then the feeling of discontentment that grew after the drug wore off, and also the strange fears - paranoia was appearing. I've tried LSD only once. The experience I had on LSD changed my whole world. I had a feeling that my consciousness was breaking into new dimensions, dimensions that are otherwise unreachable. Newer, higher vibrations and levels of existence. New worlds were opening for me. The borders of this physical world were melting and the consciousness was entering more subtle worlds where other laws of nature are ruling. I called this state of mind "a state of too wild and flipped out hallucinations". Now I call them experiences of a higher state of consciousness. Raised in an atheistic way (my parents were not religious but were never against belief) through these experiences I have noticed that I am asking myself those onthological questions about the world and life more and more. Through these questions I started to feel strongly that there is something of this in all of us, the same for all of us, and I started forming my ideas about God. Once God for me was pure intelligence, another time - pure love. But, God as something reachable, started living in me as an idea and as something to strive for. The more I took marijuana, and I came into a situation where while awake I had an hour or two of clear consciousness (or a consciousness in a hangover would be the right description). The more I realised that my joy is only temporary and that the drugs are causing me many problems: financial (where to find so much money), social (my world was becoming way too different from the one of the majority of the people who were surrounding me), legal (because of the laws I was forced to live this aspect of my life secretly) and personal - I could not accept the fact that I had to live two lives: one of a decent and excellent student and a life of a cool, flipped out and "high" girl!
I always wanted a lot from life. I wanted to succeed, to make something special. My life was far from that. It was getting harder and harder for me to find the time, the will and the wish to study and gain knowledge and in such way to realise my desire to become a professionally successful person. I was getting more and more confused, indecisive, unsure. When I started my university studies I had decided to spend three weeks with my father who lives abroad and by getting far away from the life that made me unhappy to try and find a way to change it! After coming back I felt that my decision to stop smoking cigarettes and marijuana was firm. But every time I came in contact with the real life around me it would loosen. The same disappointments, same discontentment, the same boredom. After almost three months since I decided to begin to live in a different way, I met Komaja and Makaja. In the first visual contact with Makaja I saw something in his eyes that I haven't seen for years by a human: enormous happiness and contentment. Enormous happiness and contentment just like that, with no special reason. Inspired by his state of happiness and joy I went on the Komaja meeting. There I met Makaja. I had the fortune to come to a meeting at which in the same evening we practised both Komaja meditation and love meditation. Makaja left Macedonia the following day. I've continued visiting Komaja meetings and after spending three days with Komajas in Ohrid where we meditated, we sung, we were walking on the mountains, I quit smoking cigarettes completely. I quit smoking marijuana several months later on my first Summer School of Komaja in Premantura, Croatia, where we concentrated on Komaja meditation both theoretically and practical. What I experienced in those two weeks was for me a peace of the heaven that I was dreaming of. I wished I could accomplish that in my everyday life. Working on (and going through) the Love Erotic Therapy I have noticed that through systematically applying it's techniques I have started to reach all those higher states of joy, happiness, higher states of consciousness that previously I had experienced on drugs, this time without the negative effects. I had a nice, deep sleep, I was without fears and I was happy. The comment that my father gave when my grand mother has asked him:" Son, how can you allow that your daughter is going somewhere before you check what that is. Maybe it is dangerous?" was: "My daughter has become more beautiful, her eyes are shining, her skin is not green and grey but white, she is healthy - she is no longer "black Saturday", she studies as an excellent student and she is smiling. She is happy! I don't need another proof that that what she is living is good for her."
Today I am leading the Love-Erotic Therapy in Macedonia. I am fulfilled and happy that I can give it further to the other people. When I am asked to say in one sentence what is that that makes this therapy so special and successful then I would say: "What is more beautiful than to be able to experience your own depths, to experience life in yourself, to untie the knots that are keeping you away from your happiness and to do all that with your own efforts and with joy and surrounded by people that are supporting you and are sharing the joy of your success with you.